Couple Time

If you've read my sporadic blogging for any length of time, you probably already know that I'm a big fan of married couples spending time together...sans kids...on a regular basis. Obviously, there are times where it's just not practical, like when the kids are sick or struggling, or when the family is in transition, and dates have to be put on hold for awhile.

Our family transitioned this fall, and it seems that since our anniversary get-away in August, couple time has been rare, if not completely non-existent.   I know that every marriage has different dynamics, but for our Greg and I, this "couple" time is important stuff.

Now that the kids are older and more self-sufficient, we do find it less complicated to take a date, but actually making sure it happens hasn't become much easier!  A week ago Thursday, we decided that we would take a shopping date to try to wrap up some of the loose ends for Christmas.  I can't even remember where or if we ate, but it was so refreshing to just have uninterrupted conversation!

This week's date was a bit less forgettable.  Awhile back, the president of the company Greg works for asked if we would like to attend a Christmas party in his place.  It was to be held at the most prestigious club in our area, the Shawnee Country Club.  He had a family obligation, and wanted someone to represent the company.  The invitation was from our local community college, and I took the pertinent information off of it, and didn't pay much attention to the fine print.  I thought it was the employee Christmas party for the college, and since Greg's company services many of the college facilities I figured they were reaching out to us, as well. The kids kept saying, "You're lucky...you'll be hanging out with rich people and eating awesome food."  I confidently told them that these employees were middle class just like us, and we would fit right in.

About .3 seconds after receiving our guest badges and turning down tickets for "holiday" drinks, I realized this wasn't an employee Christmas dinner.  The remaining guest badges had notable names printed on them.  The first person I saw was Mr. Ayers, the most prominent photographer in the area.  He has been all over the world and won all kinds of awards in photography.  He happened to be photographing all of the couples at the event.  :-)

Greg hung my coat in the cloak room, and slipped into the restroom for a minute.  When he came out, we slowly made our way through this array of faces, many of which we recognized but definitely had no social connection with.  Once we had a second to ourselves, he looked at me and half jokingly said, "Let's go to McDonald's and get a coke." 

Greg knew it wasn't an employee dinner, but we hadn't had much communication about the whole thing.  Within a few minutes, we recognized that the mayor, city council, influential executives and business leaders, and top donors to the college were the recipients of this finery, and once we filled our plates with hors d'oeuvres and had a seat amidst the festive array of Christmas splendor, I began to feel a bit more comfortable.  Not knowing anyone at the event on a personal level, we found an empty table.   It wasn't too long before we were joined by six other friendly guests and were able to interact and mingle.  I have to say that the endless prime rib was better than any other dinner date we've had in awhile, and it was nice to have refills before having to ask.  :-)

I wanted to take pictures, but there was a marked absence of cell phones, so I snuck mine out for one shot of the room, and this is all I have.  In this ballroom, there were two beautiful fireplaces, a white baby grand piano, tons of Christmas trees (the white ones were revolving), and there was live music.  It was beautiful, to say the least. 
 

The exterior of the club was decorated really great as well, but I wasn't brave enough to take a pic on the way in while it was still light.  :-)

So, that's the story of our "couple time" for this week.  We finished out the evening with coffee and some Christmas shopping.  Let's just say I feel a lot more comfortable in TJ Maxx than I do at the Shawnee Country Club!  No, honestly, it was a fun evening, and we were able to meet some neat people. 

Now I'm off to find a fancy clutch in case there is a next time.  Haha!

15 Things {Day Fifteen}

 

Young love is fun and exciting,

but love “all grown up” is breathtakingly beautiful.

I can't believe this day is here!  15 years ago this very moment, my husband and I committed ourselves to each other "till death do us part," and every day since that one, we have done our best to honor our word. 

In the last few months, I've had the opportunity to observe some dating couples.  Watching them, I have been reminded of how scary it is to make our biggest decisions when we are seemingly least prepared.  But here's how it works out in my mind (and what I hope to pass on to my children):

Even though most of us make this life-altering decision when we're plenty ignorant and inexperienced, two people (even young ones) who are serving God, walking in complete surrender to Him, and seeking His will in every aspect of their lives will make it.  Their marriage will not only survive Satan's toughest darts, it will thrive and be a beautiful example.  Two ignorant and inexperienced kids who aren't serving God?  The odds aren't so good.  Isn't it amazing how God MAKES the difference! 

I won't soon forget the feeling of young love.  The carefree, starry-eyed days of setting up house, learning each other's craziest oddities, adapting to being one rather than doing our own thing...it was fun and exciting.

Then real life sets in.  Sickness, new babies, family deaths, miscarriage, sleepless nights, long days, hard work, hormones, arguments, financial stress, you name it...eventually marriage isn't all fun and excitement.  But the beauty of marriage "all grown up" is that real love is birthed through the commitment that strengthens as two walk hand in hand through each of the difficulties life brings their way.  They don't cut and run when the mundane routines get boring, the house is messy, or the spouse puts on fifteen pounds.  They always remember what brought them together.  They always cherish what they are together.  They always look ahead at the opportunities they will embrace together.  And it's breathtakingly beautiful.

Would I jump at the opportunity to go back to my wedding day

and experience the excitement and the fun of young love? 

 Not on your life.  I'll take love "all grown up" - any day of the week.   ;-) 

***More pics at www.gsrek.blospot.com



15 Things {Day Fourteen}

The integration of two families is no small feat. 

Working out the kinks takes time.

(excuse the photo quality here...I hate my scanner and didn't feel like using it)

Greg's immediate family in 1997

My immediate family in 1997.

You know all those mother-in-law jokes?  They may be funny, but unfortunately they are indicative of decades of marital turmoil that, in many instances, the combination of two families has caused. 

I'll be honest...the first several years of marriage weren't easy when it came to my in-law relationship.  It wasn't extreme, like some of the stories we hear or read about, but there was definite tension and frustration. 

Greg and I both come from strong, cohesive families.  That is a good thing; however, each of our traditions ran deep, and we found it difficult to make our own traditions while still being integrated into the traditions of our families which span several hundred miles north, south, and west of us.
As those "crisis" times approached throughout the year, it would put us both on edge.

Needless to say, Greg acclimated better than I.  Ultimately, there was a bit of a confrontational moment where it seemed that my in-laws and I were able to express ourselves in a very honest, straightforward way.  And because we were all in it to better our relationship, that moment was the beginning of a new era in our marriage and in our family.

Please don't assume from this that my in-laws and I hated each other or anything like that.  They have always been very good to us and showered us with love.  What it boiled down to was a set of expectations that each of us had, as well as a lack of communication.  I'm sharing our situation with hopes that someone else can receive help. 

Here are my top four suggestions for any person wanting to have a great relationship with their in-laws (of course, this can vary depending on the situation):

• Find out about your inlaws backgrounds, their family of origin, circumstances they experienced, etc. There are reasons why people have built certain walls or coping mechanisms into their lives. 
• Learn your inlaws personalities.  When you are baffled by something, go back through the information in suggestion #1.  It will probably help to put things into perspective.
• If your spouse is not the first child in the family to get married, look at the relationship between the other married children and the parents.  Likely they are building their expectations upon what their experience has been with other children.
• Don't give up or avoid out of discouragement.  If we love our spouses, we can love the people who bore and nurtured them.  The key is to root all bitterness and selfishness out of our own lives, look for the good, and minimize hurtfulness in every way possible, and proactively build this relationship for the benefit of everyone...including the grandchildren, who desperately need and deserve the love and support of grandparents on both sides of the family.
• Pray for your inlaws.  Pray that God will protect them, and cause them to grow in Him.  Pray that your relationship will be at its best so that your marriage can be at its best.  Pray that God will change your heart so that you can live in complete harmony.

Here are my top five suggestions for parents who wish to have a great relationship with their inlaw children:

• Learn as much as you can about your inlaw's family, and experiences they have had in their life.  Don't compete with their family, just allow the beauty of their family and your family to come together to bless your child and the inlaw.
• Study the personality of your inlaw.  Seek to magnify the strengths, and avoid magnifying the weaknesses.  If there are troubles, tell as few people as possible.  Don't reflect negativity.
• Avoid the urge to smother.  Watch for signals.  Allow your child and their spouse to make decisions, and give advice when appropriate (normally when asked). 
• Remember that your child probably didn't choose the person you would have chosen for them, but they are happiest when, with God's direction, they make the decision - especially given that they have their own tastes and preferences, and they are the ones who have to live with the person every single day. 
• Pray for your inlaw children.  Pray that your child will be the spouse they should be, that their lives will be melted together in a bond that can only be broken through death, and that you will have the relationship with them that will be a blessing to the entire family. 

Over the last 15 years, I have observed (my favorite method of learning) family after family.  Although there are times that the roles are reversed, the husband's family typically comes in 2nd place.  I know that geography, age, etc. can make a difference in that, but I think my observation is fairly accurate.  Girls tend to stay closer to their families than guys.  That said, I think we as women need to be proactive in helping our husbands maintain relationships with their extended families (aunts, uncles, cousins), as well as their immediate families.  We need to encourage phone calls and visits.  We need to talk with them about family memories, deceased family members, childhood highlights.  When we listen, we communicate interest.  That does amazing things for a husband.  :-)

Not too long ago, I asked a teen boy about his father's family.  He confessed that he didn't know much about them, that his mom didn't like his dad's family, and that they rarely had contact.  Another friend confided to me that her family has been struggling because of a sister-in-law who is being controlling about family get-togethers.  It has caused so much friction and stress in the family, and no one really knows how to approach it.  A friend with whom I have been counseling shared recently that one of her struggles has been getting beyond a false accusation by her father-in-law.  The incident happened several years ago, but because of the fragility of the relationship, she has found it difficult to move on.

These are just a few of the types of situations that occur within families today.  I will wrap up this incredibly long post by saying this:

We've all made mistakes.  If you have regrets, do your best to repair the damage and move on.  Be the better person.  Begin now to build solid relationships with your inlaw family, whether it be mother/father-in-law, brother/sister-in-law, son/daughter-in-law.  You will never find joy in anything less.

15 Things {Day Thirteen}

Happy Anniversary to my brother Eric and his wife,  Megan!
~July 31, 2004~

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

This phrase is open to opinion.  If you don't believe me, just Google it.  :-)  Others can debate it all they want, but it's definitely true for me!  The infrequent separations that Greg and I do experience are a huge reminder to me that our lives have really grown into one.  When I'm away from my husband it feels like half of me is missing. 

Tonight is my second night away this week, and I am looking forward to the huge embrace I will receive when we arrive home tomorrow - if the girls actually let me have a minute with him - they're missing daddy!  As much as what I'm doing is important, home is tugging at me.

Unfortunately for some, absence makes the heart to wander.

Lots of couples are running in different directions.  Some are military families.  Others are traveling for work.  There are a variety of reasons (some legitimate, others not so much), and if either spouse is lax in their commitment...boy, can the devil use that to perform his dirty work! 

I'm gonna go out on a limb here by saying that I don't think that it's God's best for us to, on a regular basis, be separated from our spouse.  Even if we are a Christian.  Too many of us set ourselves up for marital failure by simply ignoring the safeguards that hold families together.  I know.  Sounds radical.  But radical love and radical commitment is what it's gonna take to get us through these days.  And those may only be possible by radical decisions.

I believe people are selling this marriage thing far short of its actual value.  There are too few happy endings in our generation. And more are even avoiding the whole commitment thing altogether.   

Let's make a commitment to each other, shall we?  Let's determine to do whatever it takes to remain commited to our marriage.  If we walk beside our husbands throughout the days of our lives, they will be more inclined to grow toward us and less tempted to look for substitutes for our companionship. 

As I tuck into bed shortly, there will be an awkward emptiness next to me.  It draws me toward home, cause that's where I left the best part of myself.

To keep the fire burning brightly there's one easy rule: Keep the two logs together, near enough to keep each other warm and far enough apart - about a finger's breadth - for breathing room. Good fire, good marriage, same rule.
 ~Marnie Reed Crowell

15 Things {Day Twelve}

My spouse really can be my best friend (or my worst enemy).

When something great happens, who is the first person I want to tell?  When something not-so-great happens, who is the first person I want to tell?  These are a couple of the questions I have asked myself over the years as I have done my best to develop my marriage as my number one relationship.  

Lots of people can live in a mediocre marriage, or even a contented one.  But a fantastic marriage happens when a man and a woman become the absolute best of friends. When they choose to work together, play together, pray together, rest together, and grow together.

Maybe that's why, after 70+ years of marriage, my great-grandfather had the nursing home staff push the twin beds together in the room of he and my great-grandmother. They wanted to be able to hold hands as they fell asleep. They had grown toward one another in a bond that made them the best of lovers and the best of friends. 

Last week, a terrible tragedy happened in our town.  A man was disgruntled with his estranged wife, and he entered the home in the middle of the night and shot his wife, his 20-year-old daughter, and eventually himself.  His 17-year-old son hid and avoided being wounded or killed in this horrific case of domestic violence.

Just yesterday, we found out that this couple was the one who had lived across the street from my parents not much more than a year ago.  When I gave the news to Kaitlynn, she gasped, "I just saw them at Halloween and they were in love!" 

Who knows the path that their marriage had taken since the days we would see them working in the yard, or their son playing basketball in the driveway.  Apparently, they had gone from being the best of friends to being the worst of enemies. 

It's beyond comprehension that marriage could have such a devastating ending, but somewhere along the way love was lost. 

My best friend isn't a hobby.  It isn't an organization.  It isn't a possession.  It isn't one of my precious children,  or even my precious parents.  My best friend is the man I fall asleep beside every night, and plan to grow old with one day - whenever we start to age...lol.  :-)

15 Things {Day Eleven}

Marriage likely begins as a selfish venture,

but can only continue as a selfless expression.

Do you remember how it felt to be on that first date with the person who would eventually be your spouse?  I do...I'll never forget!  And from that point, every time I would think about him, hear his voice on the phone, see him coming toward me after a long commute,smell the scent of his cologne, or feel his hand clasped in mine, well, there it was again!  It was the amazing sensation of young love (or complete infatuation...however you define).

God designed us with emotional, physical, and spiritual needs that draw us to one another.  And I don't necessarily think we come into love because we have this enormous innate desire to meet the needs of another person.  We are attracted because of how that person makes us feel and how he/she meets those specific needs in our life.

As a marriage develops and strengthens, it's hard to decipher where the change occurs.  But it does.  And in a good marriage, a spouse finds himself/herself focusing less on their own feelings, comforts, etc., and more on those of whom they have grown to deeply love. 

The most beautiful marital picture is the one in which both spouses simultaneously grow in selflessness.  Each spouse continues to have their needs met because each of them have made meeting the needs of the other a primary priority.  It's a really great cycle that

When the relationship is lopsided (one spouse doing the giving, the other being more of a taker), someone ends up unfulfilled.  The marriage may or may not last, depending on how long the giver can keep giving without much reciprocation.

Then we've all seen marriages where each spouse is wrapped up in their own selfish interest, and there are a couple of good years, followed by a couple of bad years, and then typically before year 7, the big explosion occurs.  How incredibly sad that is, but scary enough, it doesn't take too much to divide us once we begin to focus on ourselves rather than our spouse. 

God's comparison of marriage to His relationship with the church is an interesting parallel.  It is so drastically different than the majority of the marriages we see in our culture, and it's no wonder many of them end the way that they do.  Whether we've been married 5,15, or 50 years, our marriage is only as strong as our relationship with God and our selfless and complete commitment to one another.

Hope your Sunday was blessed!  :-)

15 Things {Day Ten}

You had to know this one was in the mix...

source

My husband's desire for intimacy is not something he

has made up for selfish purposes. It is part of God's

design, and it is a genuine need to be met through

 the bond of marriage. 

If you've been married less than a year, you may wonder why anyone would actually need to learn this.  If you've been married more than a year, well...momma told me there'd be days like this...haha! 

Without getting too personal, let me state my case.  No matter what the average woman goes through (physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually), her "drive" is affected.  No matter what a man goes through (well, almost), his "drive" stays in overdrive.  Although I do realize that there are situations where the roles seem to be reversed, this is the typical scenario.  (If you can't tell, I'm doing my best to override your internet filter:-))

At different points in our marriage, I struggled with frustration (and sometimes even anger) because of my inability to recognize his needs as needs and not simply selfish, superfluous desire.  Let me be clear that these frustrations didn't originate through any action of my husband, rather my own inner battles which often occurred during times of hormonal upheaval, stress, worry, or exhaustion (2 kids within 14 mos? Yeah...). 

It's easy for a wife to enjoy intimacy when her world is all lined up just right and things are going well, but the real gift that we can give to our husband is to be available to him when we might not just quite feel like it.  After all, he didn't program himself.  God wired him with needs that, as a Christian man, only his wife can meet. 

I'm so thankful to have a husband who is striving for all he's worth to be faithful to his commitment to me.  There's so much more to this topic, but it's only a post so I'll see you tomorrow for Day Eleven of 15 Things!



15 Things {Day Nine}

source

My husband cannot read my mind.  And he's not illiterate.
(and this picture is not of us...hahaha)

Every wife knows this, but it's like we just can't believe it or something!   I mean, the poor guy comes home from work, and it's written all over us, right?  It's either been a bad day, or it's fixin' to be a bad evening!  And by just walking in the door, he oughta know exactly what's running through our overactive mind. 

Lots of books have been written about how to fight or fix this phenomenon, but on it lives.  And for every poor, unassuming husband who has just put it a long day providing for his family, it's a shame. 

Think about the myriad of details a wife could oversee during any given day:

• Paying bills/balancing checkbook
• Household chores
• Family members who are emotionally or physically needy
• Church responsibilities
• Purchasing - groceries, gifts, household needs, clothing
• Tending children
• Making or keeping appointments - doctor, dentist, music lessons, etc.
• Working a job outside of the home in a professional environment
• Most likely a huge combination of these

And her frustration at the end of the day may concern one of the above, or something completely out of the ordinary and unexpected.  Some husbands are genuinely concerned about their wife's feelings, and are kind enough to ask what's up or if everything is ok.  Others may not even notice the expression, the mood, the tone.

My husband should get a trophy for the amount of nights he has come home and tried to figure me out.  We are at this little point in time right now where we know there are certain cyclical times when I can't even figure myself out, so I weakly smile at him and say, "When I get it figured out, I'll let ya know."  That seems to make so much more sense to him than a grumble and a cold shoulder.  I wonder why.  :-)

In my head I've always known Greg couldn't read my mind, but it took my heart a little longer to catch up. Now I'm trying to make it a point to clear my head of all the distracting junk (pressures, discouragements, etc.) before he gets home so that my mind is a more focused on him than myself.  As with the rest of this learning process called marriage, it hasn't happened in a day or a week, but it's definitely a habit worth repeating as often as I'm able.

Now...hurrah for the weekend!  This week has been long and heavy.  Life hurts sometimes, you know?  I'm having to give myself some of the same exact counsel I've given to others in the last few weeks. God won't always protect us from the effects of the fall.  Disease and death...they didn't have any part in his original plan.  Sin brought all of this on us, and it's because of the curse of sin that we must endure these trials.  But...God will give us the strength and the courage to face the circumstances that come our way.  He will bring us through with victory!  As I've had to face discouraging news, God has reminded me of His faithfulness to the generations on my family.  His blessings have been innumerable. He will not forsake us in the time of our suffering!

15 Things {Day Eight}

My husband needs to know that no matter what,

my relationship with him is my #1 priority (after God).

Ok...so this one was really easy for the first few months.  Maybe even for 2 - 1/2 years.  At least until a certain red-headed newborn arrived.  :-)  Really though, it's so easy to get caught up in something, anything, and forget our priorities.  God didn't give children and then husbands.  People do it that way these days, but that isn't God's plan.  God wants the marital relationship to have preeminence over any other relationship that we have. 

Some of us become distracted by our hobbies.  We spend more time online, shopping, hanging out with friends, couponing, organizing, or reading than we do being the emotional companion that our husbands so desperately need and desire. 

Some of us have kid-centered homes.  We structure our days around the kids activities, the kids have our attention from early in the morning until late at night, and then sometimes the kids rule the night, as well!  We think that because our hubbies are grown ups and the kiddies aren't, that the hubbies should be the ones short-changed.

Some of us are expending too much energy on other relationships.  Momma is an important person, but once we are married, our husband takes preeminence over momma.  If we talk to her more than we talk to him, there's a big problem.  Our home should certainly be open to show hospitality to others, but if  our homes are getting too much traffic, our marriages suffer. 

Some of us are workaholics.  When we aren't at work, we're thinking about work, or working from home.  Because work = money (and jobs often have hard deadlines), it seems like a good excuse for husband neglect. 

Some of us are dreamers.  We are lost on our own little planet of "what ifs" and we don't purposefully neglect, it just ends up that we aren't in tune to reality.  Our husbands can't reach us because our minds are off in another world.

I have recently read a couple of articles where the wife asked her husband to list his priorities for happiness and comfort in the home so that she could see the areas she should put at the top of her list.  Whether it was a hot meal on the table when he arrived home in the evening, a tidy environment, peace and quiet, 20 minutes in the recliner...she wanted to be able to focus on what mattered most to him.  In each instance, the wife was surprised when her husband wrote at the top of the list something similar to this:

"Just be available to connect with me."

At times throughout our marriage, we have had to ignore the doorbell, turn off the phone, decline an invitation for a night or a weekend away, or place a careful distance between some relationships that were becoming dependent and unhealthy, simply for the sake and the safety of our home. Those aren't always the easiest choices to make, but if my husband is my priority, love will help me willingly make those sacrifices.

I don't know if all husbands have the freedom to approach their wives when they feel the have become 3rd on her list, but I'm thankful that mine does.  In earlier days, I was tempted to think, "Well, there's only so much of me, and sometimes what's left is whatcha get."  Fortunately, time and experience has changed that mentality, and I find myself terribly missing my husband when we don't have time each day connect on an individual level.  Without the noise of the kids, the cell phone, or the door bell.

I have made a life-long vow to only one person. 

And the recipient of that vow should be my #1 priority.

15 Things {Day Seven}

source

Constructive criticism is a necessary and beneficial part of a successful marriage.

Do you remember how it felt the first time your spouse indicated that you could use some improvement in a specific area?  Whatever they are, most of us married folks have our imperfections "outed" from time to time.  :-)

An important part of marriage for me has been to learn the art of giving and receiving constructive criticism.  This is a sensitive area where time, observation, sensitivity, and communication are vital.  Each personality gives and receives criticism differently, and it is important that we approach this is a way that is tailored to our spouse. 

My husband and I are both pretty strong-willed people.  In some relationships, one of the spouses will be subdued and quiet, but we are both verbal and "out there" with our feelings.

No matter how much either of us would try, we can't (and shouldn't) change that. 

Instead, our goal should be to better one another in Christlike love.  And I think we've done a much better job of that during the second half of our first fifteen years together.

On giving constructive criticism:

• Is my motive pure?
• Is the timing right?
• Will it encourage my spouse toward Godly character or throw him/her on the defensive?
• Am I using the "sandwich" method? (slipping the criticism in between two positive traits)
• Am I content to live with the outcome, even if it isn't exactly what I wanted?

On accepting constructive criticism:

• Am I willing to listen to the criticism without becoming defensive?
• If I feel attacked, can I respond in a way that will cause my spouse to be more sensitive yet let them know I am open to their advice?
• Am I open to asking God to help me work on those areas of weakness that have been "outed?"
• Can I genuinely thank my spouse for his/her honesty and concern for me?
• Can I let the criticism do its work and then move on with life without letting it eat at me for hours or days?



What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how
compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility. 

~George Levinger

15 Things {Day Six}

- a 2007 pic with Livvy -

My husband’s personality is different. 

Different from my dad’s. Different from my brother’s. 

He is a man, but does not always think, act, or

respond like the men with whom I have grown up. 

They say a girl will often choose a guy who is somewhat like her dad.  Greg and my dad have some similarities - they are both kind, compassionate, funny, tender, masculine, hard-working, and family-oriented.  And then they have their differences - levels of patience, levels of organization, etc.  I knew I wasn't marrying my father (duh), but I hadn't prepared for some of the "minor" adjustments that would need to be applied to my expectations.

For instance, not too far into marriage, it was time to change the oil in the car.  Imagine my response when Greg said, "I'll make an appointment to get it done."  To really imagine my response, you have to know that I grew up with a dad who did all of the car maintenance and repairs himself.  Although it wasn't really verbalized, dad doing those things implied to me that it was a waste of money to take one's care to WalMart or the Jiffy Lube for an oil change.  What was completely normal to my husband, was completely foreign to me. 

So, I'm not sure how that one ended, but as time moved on and life became more expensive, Greg learned how to do car maintenance and minor repairs.  And I learned that if he wanted to take the car to WalMart, it wasn't the end of the world.  I also learned not to expect my husband to function, react, or lead like my father.  They are both great men, and I respect them both very much, but they are different.  And that's ok.  :-)

Don't marry the person you think you can live with;

 marry only the individual you think you can't live without. 

~James C. Dobson

15 Things {Day Five}

My husband is at his best when he knows

I believe in him and am supportive of him.

You've heard variations of the saying, "Behind every good man is a good woman." There is a lot of truth there, but I think an equally accurate statement would be, "Behind every successful man is a supportive woman." 

Men have varying levels of self-esteem and confidence, but I don't know of any man who wouldn't thrive a little more with the affirmation of the woman he loves.  One of the sad losses that has resulted from the women's lib movement (as well as the Hollywood influence) is that the ideas, dreams, and goals of men are no longer respected.  In many instances, they are ridiculed.  In some homes, it is simply the case that the wife forces her husband into the dreams and roles she wants for
him, rather than allowing him to follow his calling or his natural bent. 

During the earliest years of our marriage, I succumbed to the temtation to think that my "work' was more important than that of my husband.  I had endured 4 years of college while working several different jobs, planning a wedding, serving as assistant dorm dean my junior year, and then during my senior year, being a wife.  My job followed my degree path, and I was working in ministry.  Sounds noble enough, right?  And I'm ashamed to say that wasn't emotionally supportive of my husband in ways that I could have been during those first few years of his getting up before dawn, and often getting home well after most had finished their workday.  I underestimated the importance of his blue collar job and the powerful way it would serve our family for these many years.

Greg spent a few semesters at Bible college, and he jokes about his GPA, which he says resembles Cheerios.  After he decided that college wasn't for him, he went back to his home state and worked until we met and married.  We had been married for two or three years,when he decided to take some classes at our community college.  These classes benefitted him in various ways and he did very well, but as we had several kids in a short period of time, he decided that it was time for him to focus on his job and our family.  I supported him in that, because I no longer had an agenda for him.  He was not me, and I was not him.  Our personal fulfillment hinged on differing criteria, and he needed to do what benefitted him, and ultimately the good of the family. 

Through the years, it has been important for me to learn how to support my husband.  To help him strengthen his strengths and eliminate his weaknesses, not through nagging and mothering, but with careful, thoughtful wisdom, and actions that allow him room to learn and grow in his unique role.  I haven't arrived in this role of supporting, and there's lots more work to be done, but we've come a long way, baby!

Oh, and the guy with the "cheerio" GPA? He's a hard workin' man who is into his 15th year at the good job that God blessed him with. When he's ready for a different challenge, I want to be there to provide just the right amount of support and encouragement that will propel him into his next level of success. 

Three ways to support your mate:

• Encourage the dream - It's easy to shoot down another's dreams by deeming them unrealistic.  Maybe jealousy kicks in and we are afraid for them to accomplish more.  By remembering that we are a team (i.e. he wins, she wins, we both win), success becomes mutually fulfilling.  And any success begins with a dream.
• Communicate your desire to share their needs - Many times we don't know how to meet the needs of our spouse because we don't even know what the needs are.  As we trust one another with our most intimate thoughts, we should then be listening for signals that indicate need.  If you aren't getting anywhere through observation, make it clear that you want to be supportive and ask for help in identifying areas where your support is needed.
• Adopt a sacrificial attitude - When we choose to focus on the needs of another person, our life will become less about us and more about them.  This is God's plan, but self-centeredness often keeps us from reaping the rewards of sacrifice.

Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate,

but through being the right mate. 

~Barnett R. Brickner

15 Things {Day Four}

Trying to change my spouse (even in very small, inconsequential areas)

will only result in frustration and bitterness.

We've all heard two things about marriage:

1. Don't expect to change your spouse.

2. The things that you like most about each other when dating may be the things that ultimately annoy you the most once you are married.

If you're married, you will likely agree with at least one of these.

When I met Greg, he had to be the pickiest eater I knew.  This post isn't intended to reflect negatively upon him, so just take it for what it's worth.  If you know him, you already knew this.  :-)

The only veggies he would eat cooked: corn (if that counts), potatoes, and more corn.  The only fruit he would eat: grapes, oranges, maybe watermelon, and maybe an apple - if it was the right kind.  He wouldn't touch anything made with mayo, onions, tomatoes.  No salads.  No casseroles.  No pies.  Of course, broccoli, cauliflower, cooked carrots, green beans, peas, etc. were all out.  He would eat most meat if it didn't contain a bunch of "foreign" items, such as seasonings.  No lasagna, spaghetti, alfredo...you get the picture.  It was bad.  Without a doubt, this was the most annoying thing to me.  Even before we were married.  It was awkward to go places (especially to family gatherings on my side-where onions are the key ingredient of any entree'...lol), and after we were married it was magnified. 

At times, this subject became a major source of contention.  I would get angry if he would look at a bite of food more than two seconds...I was just sure he was inspecting everything for hidden substances.  He couldn't understand why it was such a big deal.  He argued that I should be happy that he was easy to please.  After all, when you only have like ten ingredients to choose from, how complicated can dinner be?

After realizing that my getting annoyed wasn't going to suddenly turn my husband into a vegan, I backed off.  And our kids became old enough to sit at the table and know what they were eating.  "Why do I have to eat it?  Dad's not."  All of the sudden, Greg would reach for what Ryan was whining about and pop it into his own mouth, grimacing all the way.  "See, dad's eating it, " he would say.  And so the transformation began.  But it wasn't my whining that made the difference, it was his own realization of his example.

Fast forward 15 years, and I might be able to name 10 things that Greg won't eat.  In fact, just the other day he came home from work with a big bag of tomatoes.  "I stopped at Suter's and got these.  I've already eaten two of them."  Whaaaaat?  I'm not so sure about this...now I have to share my tomatoes!

That night at dinner, Greg cut up another large tomato and put it in an extra bowl beside his plate.  Evan said, "Dad, you don't like those things, you're just eating them because they're good for you."

Greg replied, "Believe me Evan, if I didn't like 'em, I wouldn't eat 'em!"  And that's the truth.  :-)

Trying to change our spouse is not a good plan.  Loving them as they are and allowing them room to grow and develop (with prayer and hopefulness) yields far better results. 

I'm off to water my tomato plants...

A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love,

trust, partnership,tolerance and tenacity. 

The order varies for any given year. 

~Paul Sweeney

15 Things {Day Three}

My husband's compliments are genuine and heartfelt.

From the earliest time I can remember, I have had difficulty accepting compliments.  My dad was really good about teaching us kids in the church and school to accept a compliment and defer the glory to God, and so-all these years later- I still remind myself to do that. 

A funny story that I will never forget:  I had a high school crush on the man I eventually married.  I was 17, and we were sitting together during an outdoor drama at a youth camp.  He had asked me to sit with him, and during the drama he leaned over and told me that I looked nice.  To this day, my response floors me.  I looked at him and said, "You must need new glasses."  It was probably then and there that he decided I needed a few more years to grow up!  Haha!  I don't think either of us have ever mentioned that awkward moment, and it's likely that he doesn't even remember it.  I'll find out after he reads this!  :-)

Even though lots years have passed since that hot July evening, there are times when I find myself making my own addendum to his compliments.  He says I look nice, I make a comment about my weight.  He enjoys a meal I've prepared, I find a flaw.  He  notices a success in my career, I focus on the one thing that wasn't so successful. 

What I have learned in 15 years is that throwing off a compliment is annoying to a man.  When he says it, he means it.  He isn't trying to impress me, or simply make me feel better about myself.  He's telling the truth from his heart.  There are reasons why he was drawn to me, and he should be able to remind me of those now and then without me rejecting his words.  I think he would tell you that I'm doing better.  I'm sure trying!

I don't know whether you struggle with accepting compliments, but if you do, practice accepting them with a smile.  Even if your insides want to argue about it.  After awhile, your heart will receive complimentary words just as genuinely as they are given. 

The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds - they mature slowly. 

~Peter De Vries

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15 Things {Day Two}

Submission isn't only an act, it’s an attitude.

I'm sure you've heard the words, "Sure can tell who wears the pants in that house!"  It's not always a specific action that leads to such an assumption, but more often a prevailing spirit that can be felt by anyone with decent perception.  Maybe you've been the one to wear the pants...or secretly wished you could...

Although our wedding wasn't completely traditional (the thoughts of a veil over my face just weirded me out), Greg and I did choose not to see or talk to each other on our wedding day until I walked down the aisle to meet him at the altar.  Thing is, we had a lot to talk about (like the brakes being redone on the car, etc.) and had to catch up during the wedding.  If you were there, you probably noticed us chatting throughout the ceremony.  ;-) 

The chatting turned to smirks and giggles at one point.  I'm pretty sure it was when one of the ministers began to read this passage...

²²Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. ²³For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.  -Ephesians 5

Here's the deal:  Greg knew he was marrying an independent woman.  Anything that I could do for myself, I would.  When we were dating, I didn't like him to open the car door for me.  In fact, I asked him not to.  It was a visual image that went against the grain of who I was.  {Ok...so I'll even admit that it was hard for me to change my name when we got married.  Eeek! Please don't think I was a complete feminazi...}

From my earliest memories, I took all of the freedom and independence I could get.  My parents can tell you...they didn't have to push me or help me when it came to getting a job, doing my taxes, filling out paperwork for college, or anything else that I can remember (except cleaning my room - lol).  I wanted to take care of myself.  Period. 

Submission is a word that sounded awkward to my ears.  It produced images of weakness and dependence.  I didn't want to be a burden or be burdened, and my warped idea of submission gave me visions of inequality that made me uncomfortable, to say the least.  Since the subject of submission is often misinterpreted, or avoided altogether, it could easily be laughed off and forgotten... at least until the next time God whispered it to my heart.

Throughout the early years of our marriage, there were instances where my resistant spirit caused tension, frustration, and coldness.  Because I was out of place, my husband could not fill his role as he should.  Of course, I didn't see all of this at the time.  I was blinded by my pre-conceived ideas plus a little immaturity. 

But let me tell you, a woman who is generally happy can become unhappy in a flash if she has a controlling, unsubmissive spirit.   The giggles and smirks during the reading of Ephesians 5 at the marriage altar quickly become the reality of a power struggle that threaten the foundation of the marriage. 

A friend once expressed to me her concern that mothers are not doing enough to teach their daughters how to be submissive.  She said she had no clue of what being a submissive wife meant when she married. I'm really not sure what all was behind her words,  but I have thought about them many times over the last few years, and have drawn my own conclusion: 

submission is an attitude. 

We can teach our children how to have proper attitudes.  My parents did.  However, each person must embrace and integrate the spirit of submission in their own life.  Our parents can't just inject us with a marinade that guarantees a tasteful result.  Individually, we must get to the point where we see ourselves and the sight makes us desire change.  That takes time, reality-based experience, and soul-searching.  It's a spiritual process.

I can't say that there was any one critical moment of change for me, but somewhere along the way, I became tired of the inward struggle.  I wanted to submit to my Heavenly Father as well as my earthly husband.  I wanted to rest in allowing them to have their rightful places in my life.  It was a longer process in the marital relationship, and came through cycles of submission and trust.  When I could trust my spouse with my submission, submission became easier. 

15 years later, the word submission is beautiful to me.  I am still "myself," but I am no longer fearful of being in submission to my husband.  I realize that there is safety and contentment in submission.  Allowing him to function as the head of our home, frees me from the responsibilities that he is to rightfully bear, and allows me to become the support that he needs in leading and decision-making.   

If you struggle with the idea or attitude of submission, know that you are not the first.  Ask God to rid your heart of the desire for control.  Learn that being right isn't really important, especially if being right causes you to act in a way that brings condemnation. 

And lose the pants.  :-)

Filling your God-given role as a wife is not an inferior task.  Be the best wife you can be. 

Once you are maximizing your "wife potential," you won't want to be anything else!

15 Things {Day One}

No matter how closely aligned our backgrounds,

marriage unearths unexpected differences.

Because Greg and I were raised with similar traditions, religious affiliations, and family structures, it seemed that combining our lives and hearts into one would be a seamless transition.  Not that we were ignorant of the changes that marriage brings, but similarity in background should make things easier, right? And I believe that it did.

However, those of you that are married know that twin backgrounds does not guarantee cloned spouses!  One of the differences that was unexpected for me was the fact that my new husband was a homebody!  His mom had told me that as a child he preferred home to anywhere and anything, but I didn't see that throughout our 18 month courtship, so it didn't cross my mind that this would again surface once we said "I Do."

As a preface to this difference, I'm an extrovert, and Greg's naturally an introvert (if you know him now, you'd never guess).  While we were dating, Greg had a 4-6 hour commute to see me, depending on whether he came to my college campus or my home.  Obviously, we didn't have our own place, so if we wanted to be alone time we would go to the mall, the park, a restaurant, or an event.  Those things were all right in line with my personality, and he would tell you that he enjoyed those times, but really...anytime we could be together was a good time (can anyone say Bible college dating rules???).

Once we were married, I went to school all morning and worked 2nd shift.  He worked mostly 1st shift, and cooked and cleaned while I was at work.  When I would come in sometime after 9 p.m., the hardwood floors were shining (let me tell you about the Pledge experiment), the rooms were tidy, and dinner was served.  And none of this was on a "honey-do" list.  It was out of the goodness of his lil newbie husband heart.  :-)

Nine months later I graduated, we moved, and he had a much more demanding job which included 12+ hour days, and lots of driving, and lifting.  Considering the fact that he was only 13 months off of major back surgery and had an easier job during those 13 months, this was quite an adjustment for him.  

Looking back, I smile at the confusion I felt inside when, after coming home from my teaching job each day, I would {with great energy and exuberance} exclaim, "Are you ready to go?"  His responses weren't as energetic, but he would quickly shower and we would go.  And go. And go.
I wanted to go to everything.  And I just couldn't for the life of me understand why he didn't!   

This was a battle that I mostly fought inside my own mind.  We did have a few arguments about my go-go mentality (lol), but over the course of about 5-8 years I really had to adjust my ideas of normal, and he had to stretch his comfort zone. 

15 years later, it's intriguing to see how our perspectives have changed.  It's less about "him" or "me," and more about "us."  Unfortunately, more than half of all marriages dissolve before they work through the stuff that gets them to the best years of marriage. 

Every couple has differences.  Most of them don't come to light until after the wedding, and most of them wouldn't be deal breakers anyway.  How we handle the differences makes all the difference in the cohesiveness of our marriage.  Greg could have chosen to sit at home, and I could have continued to go, go, go.  But that decision would have drawn us apart and made us more self-centered. 

If you are struggling with marital differences, step back and do a little introspection.  See how God has created you and your spouse as unique individuals and blended your lives to help you balance one another.  Accept and appreciate what those differences bring to your relationship, and work toward a spirit of selfless love.  You'll look back with a smile when you see the progression toward unity and marital satisfaction.

The older I get, the less time I want to spend with

the part of the human race that didn't marry me.

  ~Robert Brault~

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15 Things I've Learned...

Greg & Stephanie
~August 2, 1997~

My 15th wedding anniversary is coming up in 15 days.  What a ride this journey of marriage has been to this point!  We're hoping that God will grant us 60+ years together, but however long He chooses to allow us to live, we want to have a great marriage that reflects love, commitment, and happiness to a world that seems to know little of the three.

During the next 15 days, I'm going to post 15 things I have learned in these first 15 years of being a wife.  Some of these things I knew in theory, but there's nothing like experience to bring us wisdom! Of course, this 15 year education has taught me waaaay more than 15 things {lol}, but you probably already knew that.  :-)

So, stay tuned...and if you have something you'd like to throw in, feel free!  Lots of women have told me they keep up with the blog, and I'm sure we can all learn something valuable from the experience of another. 

Be blessed today!