15 Things {Day Thirteen}

Happy Anniversary to my brother Eric and his wife,  Megan!
~July 31, 2004~

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

This phrase is open to opinion.  If you don't believe me, just Google it.  :-)  Others can debate it all they want, but it's definitely true for me!  The infrequent separations that Greg and I do experience are a huge reminder to me that our lives have really grown into one.  When I'm away from my husband it feels like half of me is missing. 

Tonight is my second night away this week, and I am looking forward to the huge embrace I will receive when we arrive home tomorrow - if the girls actually let me have a minute with him - they're missing daddy!  As much as what I'm doing is important, home is tugging at me.

Unfortunately for some, absence makes the heart to wander.

Lots of couples are running in different directions.  Some are military families.  Others are traveling for work.  There are a variety of reasons (some legitimate, others not so much), and if either spouse is lax in their commitment...boy, can the devil use that to perform his dirty work! 

I'm gonna go out on a limb here by saying that I don't think that it's God's best for us to, on a regular basis, be separated from our spouse.  Even if we are a Christian.  Too many of us set ourselves up for marital failure by simply ignoring the safeguards that hold families together.  I know.  Sounds radical.  But radical love and radical commitment is what it's gonna take to get us through these days.  And those may only be possible by radical decisions.

I believe people are selling this marriage thing far short of its actual value.  There are too few happy endings in our generation. And more are even avoiding the whole commitment thing altogether.   

Let's make a commitment to each other, shall we?  Let's determine to do whatever it takes to remain commited to our marriage.  If we walk beside our husbands throughout the days of our lives, they will be more inclined to grow toward us and less tempted to look for substitutes for our companionship. 

As I tuck into bed shortly, there will be an awkward emptiness next to me.  It draws me toward home, cause that's where I left the best part of myself.

To keep the fire burning brightly there's one easy rule: Keep the two logs together, near enough to keep each other warm and far enough apart - about a finger's breadth - for breathing room. Good fire, good marriage, same rule.
 ~Marnie Reed Crowell

15 Things {Day Twelve}

My spouse really can be my best friend (or my worst enemy).

When something great happens, who is the first person I want to tell?  When something not-so-great happens, who is the first person I want to tell?  These are a couple of the questions I have asked myself over the years as I have done my best to develop my marriage as my number one relationship.  

Lots of people can live in a mediocre marriage, or even a contented one.  But a fantastic marriage happens when a man and a woman become the absolute best of friends. When they choose to work together, play together, pray together, rest together, and grow together.

Maybe that's why, after 70+ years of marriage, my great-grandfather had the nursing home staff push the twin beds together in the room of he and my great-grandmother. They wanted to be able to hold hands as they fell asleep. They had grown toward one another in a bond that made them the best of lovers and the best of friends. 

Last week, a terrible tragedy happened in our town.  A man was disgruntled with his estranged wife, and he entered the home in the middle of the night and shot his wife, his 20-year-old daughter, and eventually himself.  His 17-year-old son hid and avoided being wounded or killed in this horrific case of domestic violence.

Just yesterday, we found out that this couple was the one who had lived across the street from my parents not much more than a year ago.  When I gave the news to Kaitlynn, she gasped, "I just saw them at Halloween and they were in love!" 

Who knows the path that their marriage had taken since the days we would see them working in the yard, or their son playing basketball in the driveway.  Apparently, they had gone from being the best of friends to being the worst of enemies. 

It's beyond comprehension that marriage could have such a devastating ending, but somewhere along the way love was lost. 

My best friend isn't a hobby.  It isn't an organization.  It isn't a possession.  It isn't one of my precious children,  or even my precious parents.  My best friend is the man I fall asleep beside every night, and plan to grow old with one day - whenever we start to age...lol.  :-)

Sentimental Moments

Special moment with my parents and maternal grandparents,
Papa and Mama Yount  (1977)

This evening I'm in Cincinnati, savoring a few hours with a woman who has been like a best friend to me for all 36 years of my life.  Her back porch is one of her favorite places, and I'm hanging out there watching my girls let off some steam in the back yard for awhile. 

As I sit here and reflect, I can't help but have my mind flooded with thoughts of my Mama Yount.  Her unconditional love, constant concern, and genuine kindheartedness make her one in a million, in my book. Although my grandfather passed away at the age of 56 from a very rare blood disease, she has kept his memory alive for the rest of us, and I can feel the love and respect that she continues to have for the man he was...33 years later. 

I remember the trips that I took with her as a child.  One of my favorites was when she and her sisters cooked breakfast for my cousin, Andrea, and I on a charcoal grill near the Nolin River in Kentucky.  It was 5-star cookin', let me tell ya!  Mmmm!  :-)  I was able to ride along on several of her trips back "home" to Evansville, IN, and those are some of my earliest chilhood memories that I will forever have in my heart.

She took me on my first city bus ride.  I was probably 8, and we went from her house in Hyde Park down to the beautiful Riverfront Stadium.  After we finished walking around the downtown for awhile, we rode the bus back home.  Nothing huge, but it was just another one of mama's efforts to make my visits fun.

Her house was my favorite place on earth. 

It seemed to be the biggest place I had ever seen, and when I visited again just a few years ago (I explained to the current owners who I was and they offered my sister and I a tour), it didn't seem to be any smaller.  With three stories plus a full basement, who wouldn't feel like they were in a castle?  And we always wondered what lurked behind the little door in the wall of the third floor.  Probably just attic space, but little girls can have great imaginations, right?  :-)  All of us cousins loved putting on our yearly Christmas drama on the lower landing of the dramatic staircase, playing ping pong in the basement, helping make biscuits in the kitchen, opening Christmas gifts in the living room, and yes, even spying on the Catholic priest who lived across the street. Usually did that from the bay style window on the second floor...lol.  If we were bored inside the house, we might get walk a couple of blocks to Hyde Park Square, where we could shop at Pier 1, get ice cream at Graeter's, or browse the children's section of the library.  If the timing was right, we could always go to mass across the street.  Ok...so I only did that a couple of times.  :-)

As the years passed, mama felt that she needed a different style of home, something easier to navigate.  She moved to a beautiful brick ranch in Amberley Village, and we made hundreds more memories there.  When I had my wisdom teeth cut out, she came to be beside me and change out my ice packs every twenty minutes.  As I enrolled in college in  Cincinnati, she gave me a job working under her in home health care.  That was a huge blessing to me all four years. When I chose a husband, she accepted and loved him.  Then we had children.  And she started the cycle all over again.  Now Kait and Alli love to help mama make biscuits.  Her house is one of their favorite places to go.  And they feel that same unconditional love, constant concern, and genuine kindheartedness.

But we're entering a different season.  Last week brought difficult news. The strong woman we know is fighting a physical battle that will be rough at best.  She has a large ovarian tumor that is likely cancerous.  Within the next couple of days she will be making the decision of whether to pursue surgery and treatment, or let nature run its course.  Her doctor has told her that physically she seems to be 20 years less than her actual age, and that is why surgery is an option.  Although none of us wants to have to see her face these difficult decisions, they are here.   If you think about it, please pray for her to have clarity in the face of this. 

In the meantime, I'm going to get back to savoring the moments and making some more memories.

15 Things {Day Eleven}

Marriage likely begins as a selfish venture,

but can only continue as a selfless expression.

Do you remember how it felt to be on that first date with the person who would eventually be your spouse?  I do...I'll never forget!  And from that point, every time I would think about him, hear his voice on the phone, see him coming toward me after a long commute,smell the scent of his cologne, or feel his hand clasped in mine, well, there it was again!  It was the amazing sensation of young love (or complete infatuation...however you define).

God designed us with emotional, physical, and spiritual needs that draw us to one another.  And I don't necessarily think we come into love because we have this enormous innate desire to meet the needs of another person.  We are attracted because of how that person makes us feel and how he/she meets those specific needs in our life.

As a marriage develops and strengthens, it's hard to decipher where the change occurs.  But it does.  And in a good marriage, a spouse finds himself/herself focusing less on their own feelings, comforts, etc., and more on those of whom they have grown to deeply love. 

The most beautiful marital picture is the one in which both spouses simultaneously grow in selflessness.  Each spouse continues to have their needs met because each of them have made meeting the needs of the other a primary priority.  It's a really great cycle that

When the relationship is lopsided (one spouse doing the giving, the other being more of a taker), someone ends up unfulfilled.  The marriage may or may not last, depending on how long the giver can keep giving without much reciprocation.

Then we've all seen marriages where each spouse is wrapped up in their own selfish interest, and there are a couple of good years, followed by a couple of bad years, and then typically before year 7, the big explosion occurs.  How incredibly sad that is, but scary enough, it doesn't take too much to divide us once we begin to focus on ourselves rather than our spouse. 

God's comparison of marriage to His relationship with the church is an interesting parallel.  It is so drastically different than the majority of the marriages we see in our culture, and it's no wonder many of them end the way that they do.  Whether we've been married 5,15, or 50 years, our marriage is only as strong as our relationship with God and our selfless and complete commitment to one another.

Hope your Sunday was blessed!  :-)

15 Things {Day Ten}

You had to know this one was in the mix...

source

My husband's desire for intimacy is not something he

has made up for selfish purposes. It is part of God's

design, and it is a genuine need to be met through

 the bond of marriage. 

If you've been married less than a year, you may wonder why anyone would actually need to learn this.  If you've been married more than a year, well...momma told me there'd be days like this...haha! 

Without getting too personal, let me state my case.  No matter what the average woman goes through (physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually), her "drive" is affected.  No matter what a man goes through (well, almost), his "drive" stays in overdrive.  Although I do realize that there are situations where the roles seem to be reversed, this is the typical scenario.  (If you can't tell, I'm doing my best to override your internet filter:-))

At different points in our marriage, I struggled with frustration (and sometimes even anger) because of my inability to recognize his needs as needs and not simply selfish, superfluous desire.  Let me be clear that these frustrations didn't originate through any action of my husband, rather my own inner battles which often occurred during times of hormonal upheaval, stress, worry, or exhaustion (2 kids within 14 mos? Yeah...). 

It's easy for a wife to enjoy intimacy when her world is all lined up just right and things are going well, but the real gift that we can give to our husband is to be available to him when we might not just quite feel like it.  After all, he didn't program himself.  God wired him with needs that, as a Christian man, only his wife can meet. 

I'm so thankful to have a husband who is striving for all he's worth to be faithful to his commitment to me.  There's so much more to this topic, but it's only a post so I'll see you tomorrow for Day Eleven of 15 Things!



15 Things {Day Nine}

source

My husband cannot read my mind.  And he's not illiterate.
(and this picture is not of us...hahaha)

Every wife knows this, but it's like we just can't believe it or something!   I mean, the poor guy comes home from work, and it's written all over us, right?  It's either been a bad day, or it's fixin' to be a bad evening!  And by just walking in the door, he oughta know exactly what's running through our overactive mind. 

Lots of books have been written about how to fight or fix this phenomenon, but on it lives.  And for every poor, unassuming husband who has just put it a long day providing for his family, it's a shame. 

Think about the myriad of details a wife could oversee during any given day:

• Paying bills/balancing checkbook
• Household chores
• Family members who are emotionally or physically needy
• Church responsibilities
• Purchasing - groceries, gifts, household needs, clothing
• Tending children
• Making or keeping appointments - doctor, dentist, music lessons, etc.
• Working a job outside of the home in a professional environment
• Most likely a huge combination of these

And her frustration at the end of the day may concern one of the above, or something completely out of the ordinary and unexpected.  Some husbands are genuinely concerned about their wife's feelings, and are kind enough to ask what's up or if everything is ok.  Others may not even notice the expression, the mood, the tone.

My husband should get a trophy for the amount of nights he has come home and tried to figure me out.  We are at this little point in time right now where we know there are certain cyclical times when I can't even figure myself out, so I weakly smile at him and say, "When I get it figured out, I'll let ya know."  That seems to make so much more sense to him than a grumble and a cold shoulder.  I wonder why.  :-)

In my head I've always known Greg couldn't read my mind, but it took my heart a little longer to catch up. Now I'm trying to make it a point to clear my head of all the distracting junk (pressures, discouragements, etc.) before he gets home so that my mind is a more focused on him than myself.  As with the rest of this learning process called marriage, it hasn't happened in a day or a week, but it's definitely a habit worth repeating as often as I'm able.

Now...hurrah for the weekend!  This week has been long and heavy.  Life hurts sometimes, you know?  I'm having to give myself some of the same exact counsel I've given to others in the last few weeks. God won't always protect us from the effects of the fall.  Disease and death...they didn't have any part in his original plan.  Sin brought all of this on us, and it's because of the curse of sin that we must endure these trials.  But...God will give us the strength and the courage to face the circumstances that come our way.  He will bring us through with victory!  As I've had to face discouraging news, God has reminded me of His faithfulness to the generations on my family.  His blessings have been innumerable. He will not forsake us in the time of our suffering!

15 Things {Day Eight}

My husband needs to know that no matter what,

my relationship with him is my #1 priority (after God).

Ok...so this one was really easy for the first few months.  Maybe even for 2 - 1/2 years.  At least until a certain red-headed newborn arrived.  :-)  Really though, it's so easy to get caught up in something, anything, and forget our priorities.  God didn't give children and then husbands.  People do it that way these days, but that isn't God's plan.  God wants the marital relationship to have preeminence over any other relationship that we have. 

Some of us become distracted by our hobbies.  We spend more time online, shopping, hanging out with friends, couponing, organizing, or reading than we do being the emotional companion that our husbands so desperately need and desire. 

Some of us have kid-centered homes.  We structure our days around the kids activities, the kids have our attention from early in the morning until late at night, and then sometimes the kids rule the night, as well!  We think that because our hubbies are grown ups and the kiddies aren't, that the hubbies should be the ones short-changed.

Some of us are expending too much energy on other relationships.  Momma is an important person, but once we are married, our husband takes preeminence over momma.  If we talk to her more than we talk to him, there's a big problem.  Our home should certainly be open to show hospitality to others, but if  our homes are getting too much traffic, our marriages suffer. 

Some of us are workaholics.  When we aren't at work, we're thinking about work, or working from home.  Because work = money (and jobs often have hard deadlines), it seems like a good excuse for husband neglect. 

Some of us are dreamers.  We are lost on our own little planet of "what ifs" and we don't purposefully neglect, it just ends up that we aren't in tune to reality.  Our husbands can't reach us because our minds are off in another world.

I have recently read a couple of articles where the wife asked her husband to list his priorities for happiness and comfort in the home so that she could see the areas she should put at the top of her list.  Whether it was a hot meal on the table when he arrived home in the evening, a tidy environment, peace and quiet, 20 minutes in the recliner...she wanted to be able to focus on what mattered most to him.  In each instance, the wife was surprised when her husband wrote at the top of the list something similar to this:

"Just be available to connect with me."

At times throughout our marriage, we have had to ignore the doorbell, turn off the phone, decline an invitation for a night or a weekend away, or place a careful distance between some relationships that were becoming dependent and unhealthy, simply for the sake and the safety of our home. Those aren't always the easiest choices to make, but if my husband is my priority, love will help me willingly make those sacrifices.

I don't know if all husbands have the freedom to approach their wives when they feel the have become 3rd on her list, but I'm thankful that mine does.  In earlier days, I was tempted to think, "Well, there's only so much of me, and sometimes what's left is whatcha get."  Fortunately, time and experience has changed that mentality, and I find myself terribly missing my husband when we don't have time each day connect on an individual level.  Without the noise of the kids, the cell phone, or the door bell.

I have made a life-long vow to only one person. 

And the recipient of that vow should be my #1 priority.